The Monster in Our Minds: Why Self-Compassion is So Hard

We’ve all heard about being our own worst critics. Sure, I always knew that this was true to some extent, but it wasn’t until I’d been working as a therapist for several years, that I really saw just how deeply this plays into human suffering. In my several years of doing this work and meeting with clients, talking to them about their most vulnerable emotions, their pain, their suffering, their fears, I have found that nearly nothing else in our experience does as much damage as this horrible monster in our minds. This monster is doing unspeakable damage. It is so deeply engrained in our minds, and we struggle to see outside of the messages we are being given. It is the voice telling us we are weak for crying or for not coping well or doing better. It is the voice telling us that no one at work or school likes or respects us because we are stupid or lazy. It is the voice berating us for sounding awkward when we talk to other people. It is the voice yelling at us that we are a fat pig for indulging in that Starbucks croissant or that extra slice of pizza – for not working out harder or more often. It is the voice telling us that everyone is talking about us, making fun of us, or judging us. It is telling us that we are stupid. We are weak. We are not smart enough, brave enough, thin enough, successful enough, pretty enough, strong enough. It is the voice telling us we are a failure or that we are letting our family down – that we are a disappointment or that we will never live up to our full potential. It is the voice that screams at us that we are not deserving of love or connection – that we will never have real friends or that we will never truly be happy. It is the voice in our heads that tells us that we’re crazy and alone – that no one else is struggling like us. It is the voice telling us that we are worthless – that we are hopeless. It is this monster that tells us we will never, ever be enough. And because it is in our own heads, we believe it. In fact, most of us don’t even notice that this is all happening. We don’t notice it. But, sure as shit, we feel it. We feel it so profoundly. These messages are suffocating us. They are defining us. They are making us sick and keeping us stuck. They are causing so much hurt and so much suffering.

Somewhere along the way, we all seem to have developed (or created or inherited) this monster in our minds. I cannot really begin to understand where it all went wrong, where it came from, and how we came to create such a beast. But, day after day, I hear the same thing. I hear about these horrifying messages that we tell ourselves – these messages we believe and accept to be true. I want you to imagine taking this voice in your head and putting into a person outside of yourself. Imagine this person speaking to you the way you speak to yourself. How long do you think you would keep this person in your life?! If you’re like me and EVERY person I have ever presented with this little task, you probably laughed and thought about wanting to punch this person in the throat, or you very quickly came to the conclusion that this person would NEVER be someone you would keep in your life. Interesting, isn’t it? Why is it that we couldn’t possibly imagine keeping someone else in our lives who speaks to us this way, but when it is in our own minds and when we are speaking to ourselves this way, it is okay. It is acceptable. Such a strange phenomenon – a sad phenomenon and one that is causing unimaginable damage.

I want you to think about the monster in your head. What kinds of messages does it tell you throughout your day? Really think about it. Feel for it. Many of these messages are coming at us all day, every day, and, because it is within our own minds, we often don’t even know it is happening. We don’t even notice that we are being screamed at, belittled, judged, and berated all day long. Let’s start by figuring out what your monster sounds like. Give them a name, pronouns, a voice, an identity. Make this monster in your head real, and make it something completely separate from yourself. Because it is! The monster in your head is not you! Those messages that he* is yelling about, those are not the messages that you – the real, true you – believe. The problem is that you’ve been listening to this monster for so long, that you’ve started to lose yourself in listening to him. It is like being in an abusive relationship and being berated and insulted over and over and over. For a while, you can fight it – tell them they’re wrong about you and stand up for yourself. You have the strength to tell them off and prove them wrong – to discount what they’re saying. But eventually, when you hear the same horrible things day after day after day, you start to lose the fight. You start to lose yourself. You start doubting yourself and you start believing the terrible things. The monster wins.

Let’s kick this monster’s ass, shall we? We want to make our way to a healthier, more compassionate frame of mind and he has no place in that. Now, I wish I had a quick list of five things to do that would make it so you will never hear the monster again, but, sadly, I have no such list. If I did, I promise I would share it with you. Shit, I would write a world-renown, best-selling book containing these magical steps to contentment and inner peace, but, unfortunately, I don’t have it. And, furthermore, I have, in no way, shape or form, mastered this beautiful thing called self-compassion. It is a work in progress. Some days, I do well and other days, the monster wins. However, I think that there is peace in knowing that, though maybe we cannot completely get rid of the monster, we can at least gain some power in not feeling so overwhelmed and consumed by his messages. We can get some distance from those messages and start to create messages that feel more true to who we really are - messages more aligned with our true voice. I think that first step to being more kind to ourselves is gaining insight – figuring out what your monster is telling you, recognizing when it is happening and why, and then starting to come up with more kind, gentle, and loving messages for yourself.

I know, I know: easier said than done, right? I completely agree. But, though I don’t have a foolproof list of things to do to change your thinking patterns, I do have a couple thought experiments that perhaps may make this idea of being more kind or gentle toward ourselves a little more real – a little more practical.

First, another major theme that I have noticed in my working as a therapist, is this idea that we tend to be much more kind, patient, and compassionate toward others than we are toward ourselves. We are able to show support to others in our lives – we are gentle with them, endlessly encouraging, and forgiving of their shortcoming or missteps. So, using this, when you are struggling or when you are finding yourself judging yourself, demeaning yourself, or being cruel to yourself, I want you to imagine that you are speaking with your best friend or with someone that you love or care about. Imagine that they are coming to you with exactly what you are currently struggling with. They tell you all the details and they are looking to you for feedback, support, or advice. Do you think that you’d start telling them that they are an idiot for having this problem? Or that they are a failure or they’re weak or they’re a disappointment? Would you tell them to shut up or buck up or to stop being such a wuss? Not likely (I hope). You’d be gentle with them. You’d show them love, support, compassion, and grace. You’d encourage them – tell them not to be so hard on themselves. You'd offer warmth and love and maybe even a hug. So let’s channel some of this, shall we? When you are beating yourself up (or when the monster in your mind is beating you up), let’s step in with some compassion like we would if we were doing it for someone else in our lives. Let’s start treating ourselves with the gentleness we seem to so naturally show to others.

This is the other little thing I'd like you to think about as we embark on this journey to being more kind to ourselves. Imagine a little baby. This little munchkin is just learning how to walk. He is trying so hard. He gets up for a moment, wobbles a bit, and then he falls down. Do you scream at him? Tell him he is failing, that he is a disappointment, or that he is letting you down? Tell him he’ll probably never learn to walk or grow up to be anything worthwhile? Do you hit him on the back and tell him to get his ass in gear? Tell him he is hopeless or that he should just give up trying? No. You don’t. You snuggle him and cheer for him and tell him how wonderful he’s doing. You tell him that he did good and that you are proud of him. You snuggle him some more, and you smile at him and encourage him and hold his hand to help him up when he is ready to try again. Then when he inevitably falls again, you snuggle him some more and tell him you love him. No matter how many times he falls, you still just keep loving him and encouraging him and helping him to feel okay about trying. You just love him through it. Imagine yourself as this little guy. You are trying. You are doing the best you can. Stop being so hard on yourself. Be gentle and be kind. Instead of letting the monster in, just love yourself through it.

*For whatever reason, when I think of the “monster in my head,” I use he/him pronouns. This does not, in any way, reflect how I feel about men in my life or about men in general. It fits for me because it helps me to make that voice in my head even more separate from my own. No other reason! So please don’t over-analyze or make assumptions here.

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